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Fifty is nifty

Just a quick note, a short piece, a little wave…

November the 3rd 2018 will always be when I turned 50. Not in years but in tourist parkruns. Not the fastest run and I was so distracted I didn’t hear the run director shout ‘go’ but what the hell. They all count 🙂

So thank you Chester Parkrun. You were perfect for my 50th. I love the city and spent the night before walking the walls and chomping on the finest haddock and chips from the Chip ‘n’ Dee. I once walked around those walls with a now BBC Producer chasing falling leaves and pointless promises. I wonder whether she remembers?

The point is… surviving MS is all about finding joy in small things, victories over the prosaic. And 50 tourist runs around Europe is just that. Nothing special. Running shorts on, one leg at a time.

See you at the run briefing then.

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What in the docking hell was that?

I may have the hip of an elderly man and the immune system from hell but just occasionally everything clicks. I say clicks but that might just be the bone on bone action on my left.

When I lost the ability to run I thought that was it. Mental health would deteriate, weight would ballon, my ego would wave a little white flag and all of a sudden I’d be my father. However it seems I’ve been given time off for good behaviour. Not to tear around at speed but perhaps a grace period to reassess and restructure. If I can’t run fast what else can I do that is ridiculous yet good for the soul.

Parkrun is part of that answer. It seemed ironic when I was asked to be one of their two ambassadors to the mulriple sclerosis community. The parkrun ambassador who couldn’t run. But parkrun has never been about running or even walking. Parkrun is about society and creating (or building) on the ties that bind. After a few months of barcode scanning I thought I would do a lap. I was, obviously amongst friends.

The hip was, at that point, tag teaming with the knee. I had an appointment with the knee specialist on the Monday so failing to run was more a medical experiment, to give him more info. But I did run, not fast but not a single lap. Harcourt Hill was painful and distressing but Harcourt Hill was achievable.

As I was cheered over the line at a slow pace and in a great deal of discomfort I knew two things. My ‘elite’ days were truely over. My mobility was not.

As I have written before I am a typical man. I need targets, lists and numbers. Since I can’t target distance or speed I need to target … variety. So now bye bye speedy Rusty and hello tourist Rusty. I will try to do as many tourist parkruns around the EU as I can (taking into account life, work, family and bloody Brexit). So because of that I found myself at Victoria Docks last weekend. An iconic parkrun as it has no park, no green just a circuit of the Docks. An iconic parkrun you can get to by car, bus, train, boat (obvs), cable car and plane (London City Airport just a walk away).


I loved it. My hip injury will always make me sad. I hate the pain and the discomfort. It will not get better now. I am adjusting to being a lot slower but everyone was so friendly. That’s parkrun. Walk, jog, run, whatever. Just join in. No one finishes last 🙂 What really worked for me though is the parkrun was just next to the Open Water Club holding the Swimathon the next day. I can’t run, I can’t swim but, docking hell, I did both that weekend.

See you on the starting line.


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From Crutch To 5k

“The problem is, you’re old”

I am. I can’t hide that fact. If life is walking a plank, I am unduly aware there is more wood behind me and the sea just in front. However old cannot be a co-morbidity. I have enough bits falling off and trying to kill me without adding ‘the passage of time’ to the list.

Age is a factor. I have a tear in the hip muscle and in February did something stupid to my knee. I can’t run or bike. I can hardly walk. I can swim (arms only) so trundle to the pool three times a week to undertake the dullest exercise I know with the post stench of chlorine to remind me just how far I have degraded.

The surgeon tells me I am old. I am worn. He points at the MRI scan to where the knee has decided to be unco-operative. He also tells me he is not going to operate. So why do I feel (whisper it) almost….optimistic? Have I adjusted to the pain? Nup. Have I given up and accepted fate and my oldness? A world of no.

I have MS. My immune system hates me. I have a tumour at the base of my spine. Someone is taking the piss.

The beauty of being told that no operation will be performed is it hands back the responsibility to me.  What can I do? I will be honest here and say that on far too many occasions recently I have come close to folding. Handing my swimming cap and goggles in and doubling up on Netflix. Who knows I may yet still.


One more try. One more attempt to make the knee see reason. The surgeon suggested a few things, the physio too. Stronger painkillers temporarily. An injection perhaps. Most importantly a target. Not couch but crutch to 5k.

See you on the start line in 2019.

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Waving Not Drowning. Well Drowning But…

“Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”

I’ll always loved that quote. The dismissal of a young talent called Fred Astaire made more fantastical by the fact that the first three statements were more or less true. But, boy, could that man move.

I can’t move much now, legless for all the wrong reasons and missing the season of running and triathlon before it has barely started. Depression and self loathing as much as desperate physiotherapy and MRI scans are the order of the day. However, since it’s a case of sink or swim, I have decided to at least float with a purpose. For a while.

And on that note, if you feel generous, I am doing a legless swimathon for a couple of charities. Both are good causes and if you are interested click through, read on and donate.


Thank you

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It’s Been Emotional

So every story has its ending. This, my friends, is mine.

It seems unlikely that I will be able to run again, at least not at speed and not for any meaningful distance. I have loved running (a sentence I never thought I would write). It helped keep the dogs at bay, gave me a sense of self. I was, for a short while, the Man of Rust.

There is no irony in the fact that I have now rusted, worn a piece of me to the point of no return. There is no irony that the MS has not caused my immobility but my attempts to run away from it. It’s just life.

An earlier blog talked that my life is governed by numbers. It’s true. But the most important numbers are no longer getting 5k in under 20 minutes (I did that twice) but the following. 4 and 7. The years til my boys reach an age that in theory they can stand on their own two feet. Men. Well, trainees 🙂

I have used running and triathlons to keep me going, as a way of feeling that I have some form of control. It was always more Canute than clinical but it worked. Now I need a new ‘stabilizer’ and this blog has run its course.

See you on the other side

Love ‘n’ hugs



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“It takes a village to raise a child”

An old African proverb, perhaps most famously used by Hilary Clinton as part of a much earlier run for the White House than the recent clusterfuck in 2016. It always struck me as such an eloquent way to sum up a simple truth. I am a function of the parts of every place I have lived, from (what was then) often described as Britain’s ‘gun capital‘ to a city more Hogwarts than Dirty Harry.

In many ways my village was not and is not a place as such. I was born in the NHS and live and thrive¹ by its grace.  Does anyone not? Does anyone get to become scrawny and old² without using it or needing it? Even those that hate the concept and only go ‘private’, use social insurance (look it up, it does exist) or just smell to get well (FFS…) will still be using the NHS. Our system trains the doctors that work in public and private systems and revives those that take cures what ails them based on organic frog spawn³.

Our healthcare system is a living embodiment of that old African proverb. You may say “Come on Rusty you’re not a child anymore” but I am male. As an ex once said “There are many boys, some blokes but very, very few men”. I’m still a big kid 🙂

And a big kid with MS….well you know the drill. If it’s not the co-morbidities that hurt it’s the treatment and lifestyle to counter them that do. My running may have finally got the better of me. At the recent Bearbrook 10k, a hilly race that I totally misjudged the pacing of, I managed a PB of 42 minutes 3 seconds. In the final 500m I hit a wall (mental not physical) and struggled over the line.


More annoyed than pleased I at least went home thinking job done, holiday time. The day after, my left hip stiffened up dramatically, an episode I just reduced to over exertion on a tough race and age. It was still ‘runnable’ and I would take it easy on a two week break in the sun.

Forty degrees and counting wasn’t perhaps the best running weather but the countryside was glorious in Spain and the hills begged to be touched. I stuck to a 5 mile course early evening and the hip got no worse and actually began to improve a little. But then I can never just stick to the script.

One day I went on a new run to the lake and back and got lost. I barely speak English let alone Spanish, I had no phone, money or water. Stopping would have been futile as the heat was still in the high 30s and there was little shade. Speeding up disastrous as my adventures on a Portuguese island last summer showed (blog passim). I ended up back at base 9 miles later more foolish than thirsty, but only just.

Now I can’t run. I am a hipster and not the cool kind. My hip has gone.

Now I need my village. My physiotherapist. My psychologists. My chiropractor.

I need time I haven’t got and patience I never had.

Barcelona is in a month. The Great South just a couple of weeks after. My village will get me over the line for the first, the second I just don’t know. Maybe it’s the end. The point is it takes a village. Go find yours.



¹(terms and conditions apply)

²(other conditions are available)


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A Tale of Two Cities

“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes…..most of which never happened”

I am 50, with MS, a tumour and moderate to severe clinical depression. But I run. A lot. Sometimes I have to run with the dogs. Sometimes I run for other people. Now and then I get to run for me. Those times are precious and can take on meaningless significance. Meaningless to anyone but me.

I am driven by the fear that tomorrow will be different. That my body will fail or my mind will break. It creates quite a focus considering in most ways I am lucky. My MS seems to be of the ‘diet’ variety. My tumour, the wonderful Nigel, sleeps. And the dogs can be run off, scared away. They are just dogs. But the fear remains and it is the fear that causes more damage than all my co-morbidities.

When I run for me the focus changes if I am lucky. And I was lucky in Leeds a couple of weeks ago. The Woodhouse Moor Parkrun, the first to be formed outside London, was a wonderfully friendly affair. Almost 400 people, my atheist church, came to worship. People came from as far as Dubai and the run was perfect. With that many people I found my rhythm within a few hundred metres.

For non runners that will be meaningless. For those that do, you will know what I mean, that perfect balance between pace, breathing and heart rate. It’s when running is a joy. When all you can do is run. By accident I went so fast I got my first ever sub 20 minute parkrun, stayed for the Red Welly Relay (you will have to look it up) and walked back to my hotel before heading off to York for this year’s Sprint Triathlon.

Readers of this blog know I have an affection and history with York. However from the overpacked train (York has a busy horserace track and it was a race day), to the slow puncture (thank you Fulford Cycles for fixing it), to the botched room at the inn it seemed nothing was quite going to work. It’s a beautiful place full of happy memories but, once again, I failed to hit the 69 minute target to finish the triathlon. Last year I had the excuse that I couldn’t find the bike in the transition area (twat). This year I was just….preoccupied. Once again I failed.


The journey home didn’t help. I lost my kit bag which had huge sentimental value for me. It was my Dad’s who died a while back. And I had another course of steroids to start on the Monday after. From the high of Leeds, the events in York were…hard.

But that quote at the beginning, from the French essayist Michel de Montaigne, is the only way to focus on life. It’s shit but then there is Barcelona. Tale of Three Cities then 🙂

See you all on the starting line at Selva de Mar in October.

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Who Let The Dog Out? From Salisbury to Slough Part One.

The dog returned recently. Unexpected, unwanted but scratching at the door never the less. By some reckoning 50% of the inglorious MS tribe suffer from depression and other mental issues. When your own body decides to take against you it isn’t always easy to ‘be positive’ and ‘cheer up’. The random nature of the condition and how it can eat away not just at your physical frame but your sense of self can be overwhelming.

Besides depression isn’t being sad it’s being empty, stateless and wondering where all the air went. My dog isn’t evil but, as I get older, the frequency that he returns is perhaps of greater concern than the fact he exists at all. I did years without him, then a year, now months. I joke that I run to get away from my condition, sprinting from MS. I realise the truth may be more prosaic. My life has been constructed to survive the hole in my psyche. Running is just the latest attempt to find a way of filling the black hole.

It’s a little known (and less interesting fact) that I have a qualification in astronomy. I should know you can’t fill a black hole. It just keeps taking. I prepared for the Salisbury 10 mile with my dog who just wanted to drag me into that hole. I trained with the dog yapping at my heels, I did weights and stretches and wondered why I was there at all or if I was there at all. If you run long enough and hard enough you can gain a certain peace or at least ‘quietness’ through exhaustion. But then the day returns.

I am not running away from anything or to something. I run because the very act is an act of defiance. I run because it is my best hope of making a statement of independence. And as I finished Salisbury, in a shit time, the dog seemed further behind than recently, the hole smaller. The race hurt, the photo not of a man enjoying himself but trying not to stop. Dead stop.

Salisbury 10ml – 9.4.17 – www.salisbury10.salisbury-arc.org

Over the years I have met a number of people with depression. An ex once took her life, I was attacked by a man with an axe, I had a ‘stalker’ for a while. Depression surrounds us all, laced through society with ease. I have come to the conclusion that is why we don’t see it. It is the background noise to our lives, like elevator music but with the elevator only going down.

And that is the most important truth for me. This isn’t MS related. I have had depression far longer than MS. I just didn’t see it.

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Breast(stroke) is best…

It rained, it was cloudy but, by fuck, it was good.

Having changed sponsors from Garmin to Santander apparently mid-stream the organisers had made a number of changes to the triathlon this year. Normally it has been a festival of sorts, lasting three days with the race on the Sunday. But a more subdued organisation prevailed this year, opening quietly on the Saturday to pick up race packs, roads being closed late Saturday night and the dismantling of the course by mid-afternoon Sunday.

In the past they had separate racking areas for those doing the Olympic distance to those doing the Paralympic (sprint) and super sprint races. This year it was all as one which was cosy. Whether that meant that less people had signed up to it I don’t know. It felt smaller and the course slightly different. Add to that pot I couldn’t hire the bike I wanted and had to accept a heavier one and my ongoing knee injuries I approached the day a slightly diminished figure.

But there are certain things that raise a smile. For some it’s the smell of freshly baked bread. For some it’s that first cup of tea in the morning. For me it’s racking the bike (heavy or not) and heading towards the water’s edge.



Second wave. Far too fast for a rusted out bag of scrawn like me. An estimated time based more on a moment of hope than experience as I entered all those months ago. Second wave, expected time between 70-80 minutes for the Paralympic distance. With my bones and based on realistic expectations, 100 minutes made more sense. This was not a moment of self-hate on the sea shore. I remembered that I can’t really swim…

Yup. My eye sight is so bad (minus 10 or so *coughs gently*)  that I have to swim with glasses. You can get prescription googles but at that strength they bend reality as well as light and the one pair I tried (custom made) leaked. Pointless for swimming over any distance. Swimming with glasses means one thing. Breast stroke. Slow, ponderous but gets you there in the end.

In pool triathlons I end up starting way back on the list as, for the uninitiated, pool triathlons have staggered starts with competitors ranked by estimated swim speed and separated by 20 second intervals. Not a problem. I know my place…

But my optimism when I entered the triathlon earlier in the year was coming into sharp relief standing in the sand. Second wave (out of eight I think); would I even finish the sea swim before the last wave?

The sea is a cruel Mistress someone once said (God, I’m eloquent….) but she is also a great leveller. Freestyle may be faster in a flat pool or calm lake but many of the Catalan triathletes ended up attempting to swim through the water whilst end (up to a point) skimmed. I can’t swim, I really can’t but I wasn’t last to get the shore from my wave and only one or two from the wave behind caught me. I actually passed a couple from the first! I fell onto the shore and with little breath and less composure managed to make it into the stadium and pick up the bike.


I realised two things. Firstly my knees were holding up. Secondly I hadn’t adjusted the bike straps for my trainers making me Dr Twat, Head of Twatology, Cretin University. Having wasted a minute (crucial in a sprint) trying to adjust the pedals with cold non-functioning hands (thank you multiple sclerosis for removing working opposable thumbs when cold) I legged it with the bike to the next stage and pedalled as fast I could without the extra power and speed strapping would have allowed.

Twenty uneventful kilometres later (save for a drafting argument in a language I don’t speak over a rule that makes little sense for this tri) I was off on the final sprint. And, as per normal, passing many of those ‘better’ swimmers earlier. Paced by a young Catalan lad (thank you 1984 your time is most definitely not up) I crossed the finishing line in a personal best of 82 minutes and 15 seconds. With this body, riven with an angry immune system and uncertain spine let alone aged knees this was an excellent result.



What threw me (and still does) was my run time. 5k in 19.47minutes. Formally timed and perfectly formed, only the second time I have run 5k in under 20 minutes in an official race. Maybe I am more second wave than I thought.

Next stop the Great South in under two weeks. Will my knees hold?

Watch this space…

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Limping with Both Legs

So there it is then. The first leg of my season finale done in fine style. The Great North Run done in 93 minutes allowing me to complete a bucket list wish – three half marathons in the 90 minute range.

Truth be told I have never enjoyed running long distances. The training can be tedious, hours out on the roads and fields. Old injuries from a lifetime away flare up. Warm downs can take longer than the training itself. Preparing for autumn events can break into a summer better spent reading books and lying on the beach. I had been told my right knee was at risk of serious damage and I should consider stopping. I misheard and stopped considering.

The Great North is less of a run for the first kilometer, more of the largest lycra fetish event ever. The crowding in the pens meant I felt real kinship with battery hens and as you literally shuffle out onto the less than open roads your first instinct is to bomb a little, to get some distance between you and the pack. The pack, obviously, has the same idea…


So even after a kilometer or two you are still sprinting to ‘get away’. My first 5k was as good as the vast majority of my parkrun time. My first 10k the fastest 10k I have ever done. At 15k I was on for a sub 90 minute time. But obviously there was a price to pay.

At 15k I had a twinge. In the left leg. After all that worry and concern the left leg started to complain. Having to slow down was not what was on the agenda but as my body adjusted to ‘protect’ the left, everything began to moan. I am a scrawny old man so I run mainly on empty anyway. With 1.5k to go the 95 minute pacer caught up with me and, stupidly, male pride overtook  human sensibility. Gritting teeth I sprinted home, passing a few of the delirious who had mistimed completely and momentarily enjoying the announcement over the finishing line tannoy that “the first of the charity runners” were coming home.

With little time before my flight home (told you I was stupid) I had little time to warm down. I had to get back to my AirBnB, shower and check in. At this point both knees had gone and I began limping with both legs. The flight, apart from a small crying child and Denise Lewis (no connection) was uneventful. The coach back home survivable. Sadly both my knees were shot.

To this day I have no idea what damage has been done. The pain has subsided but only a fool what suggest I am back to normal whatever normal is for a man with MS and a tumour named Nigel. I have the Barcelona Sprint Triathlon in under two weeks and, for a reason I don’t quite understand, the Great South (a 10 miler) in just under four weeks. I managed a moral boosting 20.28 at the Shrewsbury Parkrun on Saturday but am not so stupid that I don’t know that race was more body memory than new achievement. More wounded animal screaming across the line than anything else. The knees are gone, another clock starts to tick.

So why keep going? Because if it is a choice of letting my body eat itself or running it into the ground then it is no choice at all. As I keep saying, if the MS or Nigel wants me they are either going to have to run faster or risk finding nowt left to feed on.

See you on the beach…


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MS, Mortality and Me – Rusting For Ever

The Great North is but a few days away. As it stands the forecast looks perfect. Cloudy, 17 degrees etc. My race number has turned up and I’ve been put in the C Pen on the day. For those who don’t run (really?) it is common practise to group runners according to ability so a C ranking is frankly astounding for me considering they pen all the way to group M, I think. Just shows how far I have come over the past year or so.

I’ll be tail running the Harcourt Hill Parkrun on Saturday before getting a train up to Newcastle. I have a room booked and flight back to London on Sunday. The flight is at 3.45pm to encourage me NOT to dawdle during the race. I need to finish in 1 hour 39 mins or less to hit the target I set and retire from Half Marathons. An old knee injury from way back when and the funny way I run have conspired together. The knee pain on longer runs is……unpleasant. So pain or not, I’ll have to run fast or I’ll miss my flight.

The pain today is just an ache. I am doing the accepted routine of tapering, reducing the amount of running before I race. I hit my peak (just over 20K in 1 hour 33mins) early August and yesterday was down to 12.5k. One quick jog on Wednesday (5 miles) and that is the last sweat til Sunday.

Tapering though has not been without its problems. I run everywhere and don’t stop for holidays. Every time I come up off a steroid drip I find it hard to get back into an exercise routine so holidays can’t be a self-defeating excuse. After my peak 20k run we all flew off to a Portuguese volcanic island in the middle of nowhere. Idyllic yes. Flat, erm, not so much.

Before we left I had used MapMyRun, a wonderful little app, to help plot a circuit to minimise the wearing on the knee. I had worked out a course where the elevation was no more than 70m which seemed fine. The first Sunday abroad the kids were occupied at lunch so it seemed a good time to go. Yes it was 27 degrees but I’d run in hotter and the humidity? Pah.

I had to do the circuit six times to hit 17.5k. And that 70m elevation was all front loaded. After one lap I could see, perhaps, on reflection, 1 pm with the sun overhead wasn’t the best time to be doing this. By lap three my eyeballs needed windscreen wipers as the sweat poured forth. As I started lap four I could see six laps was going to be more imaginary than real and as I finished that lap my better self (rarely seen but available on request) decided to intervene and insist on just one more circuit. Even that wasn’t possible.

As I finished the elevation my legs began to fail as did any coherency of thought. I had just enough about me to realise my only friend left was the force of gravity so turned round and head down hill. As I reached back ‘home’ I pissed myself.

Reading that again I understand that sounds bleak. I have always described my condition as Diet MS. When the tumour was then discovered I named it Nigel. When the blackdog returned (in the guise of BDD) I out ran it. It’s not a case of whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Much more you play the hand that is given. With luck you can game that hand and that’s what I have been doing.

My father, before he died of a broken heart, was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had immense difficulty with the consequences. A man of his generation, his lack of bladder control became one of the walls in which he hid from polite society. My MS tribe know this problem well. For women who have given birth, a weakened pelvic floor mean leakage at the end of a race is not unusual and why many such runners prefer black shorts and leggings. However, the loss of bladder control was a new one for me. And I mean loss not leak.

I have heard about hitting a wall when running longer distances but this was the first time I had done so myself. I think, in many ways, this save me from too much introspection. My legs were jelly and I was full on mumblecore. The fact I slightly smelt of a distant dark corner of Paddington Station was neither here nor there. I had run when it was too hot, too humid and without at least a walk around of the circuit beforehand. The consequences were predictable and a reminder that as much as I joke I have to be honest. I have MS. I am mortal. Hear me mumble…

After the obvious shower and lie down I spent some time working out what next. I now realised that I did have a physical endurance limit and actually took some strange comfort knowing what borderline delirium felt like. It IS good to know and better to know in those circumstances with support than finding out half way through a race, God knows where. But I can’t stop. I maybe rusting forever but I cannot stop.

I started from scratch, running four laps a couple of days later, earlier in the morning when the temperature was more conducive to that sort of stupidity. There were no ill effects from the fuck up run and what I drank before had either sweated out or was stored for later (“coughs gently”). A couple of days after that, 8.30 in the morning, I headed off for the full 17.5k.

There was cloud which helped. I took it easy to start with on the elevation and didn’t bomb the downhill part. Any downhill is always hard on the knees and lower legs anyway. The pace gave me time to think. My MS and all its little comorbidities have begun to bite but this doesn’t mean giving up on my targets, just rethinking how to achieve them. Maybe I do need to run a little slower.

But as I turned the corner on the sixth and last circuit and began to run down to the sun rising over the Atlantic Ocean I saw something beautiful. The light was making patterns on the water that Sir Issac Newton would have been proud of and I am with the Issacs. As I approach the Great North Run, slower than I would have hoped, but running still all I can do is repeat my mantra.

“Fuck you MS”.




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Running Up That Hill – Training for the Great North

Standard practise for training for any race above 10 miles is ramping up then ramping down the distances. With the Great North on the 11th of September I am now at the putting in the miles stage. Yesterday I ran 15k.

All runners, training properly, have to be careful. As a man with MS and a number of other co-morbidities I have more rust than most to contend with. Many of my tribe will tell you the effects of heat and humidity on their MS. The pins and needles, the neuropathic pain that no drug ever alleviates, the issues around balance. So what kind of twat goes running with MS during 25ºC and 70%?

That’s Dr Twat to you…

I gave up ‘proper’ running in 2011. I had set myself a target of three 10k in under 50 minutes but I felt my time was coming to a close. My condition meant that after about 8k my left arm and hand began to have a life of their own (better than mine, bastards) and my right knee would shriek in pain from an old football injury when I was 16 or so. Running had become disturbing. I felt the need to stop.

At the Town and Gown that year I just scraped over the finishing line in 49 minutes 58 seconds. I felt like shit, no denying it, but in so many ways I had let myself go, putting a brave face on it, obvs….P1040193

13 stone 9 pounds. Lovely. Anyway I still ran shorter distances. Heat still was a problem but I made sure I never ran over 8k so still had my left arm and hand to myself. Thankfully I had a relapse in 2013.

Yes you can read that again. Thankfully. At the time it was awful. The way your body all of a sudden becomes ever so slightly less yours, more distant, any relapse is a tragedy. By the standards of my tribe it was a reasonably light affair though. Balance, exhaustion, neuropathic pain and confused nerve endings. Months past and remission came but I lost the ability to drink and so a silver lining emerged.

As my weight began to drop Christmas that year I wondered whether my knee might just be up for a longer run. It was. 10k not just once over the holidays but four times cross country. The weight kept falling and I kept running. I started proper training for triathlons. Short ones (I am not mad you know) but the weight kept falling and I kept running. I did the Goring 10k in 47 minutes on a bitterly cold March morning. Nothing hurt or screamed (apart from my lungs).

The MS though abhors a vacuum and as soon as the temperature got to ‘mild’ my nerve endings decided to play thrash metal music as soon as I ran much past 5k. It is such a curious thing. The confusion of the signals coming back (fire pit? ants biting? have I pissed myself?) is, as you can see, difficult to explain. Now I could run longer though, something very odd was happening. After 8k or so the symptoms died down. As if the thrash metal band had finished their set and headed back the Green Room for groupies and hash. *coughs gently at this analogy*

So I pushed it a little more. Then some more. Then my first half marathon in 1 hour 36 minutes. 3 stone lighter and ready to roar.OHAB1825-20x30

So here I am. Training for the Great North. The extra running (even with the lack of weight) means the knee is painfully again. My excellent physiotherapist Andrea (she who must be obeyed) believes I need to learn how to run properly but with the Great North, Barca Tri and Great South this year I don’t have time. Maybe next year 🙂

So I run the hills around where I live. 15k yesterday hurt. My age, my MS, my other comorbidities (a spinal tumour called Nigel, my prehensile tail FFS) mean that my post run routine is longer than the run itself. Getting liquid inside me. Carbing back up. Protein for the muscle damage. Cooling off (which ironically temporarily gets the thrash metal band to lay off the groupies and put the pipes down….) followed by a Andrea mandated stretching session and a long long bath. A 70 minute run morphs into an afternoon. It’s dull.

But I’ll take dull. Dull means normality. Dull means, at least for the moment, I am still out running my fate.

Next week 17.5K. Keep up.

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The Truth About Steroids – part 2

Last night I was an ass.

Through a combination of coincidence and bad luck (for the people who had to watch me) I ended up playing Bottom as part of a performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream to celebrate the 10th Anniversary of a local acting troupe. I can only marvel at the dedication and ability of all those who surrounded me. The audience too came to laugh, to be part of something bigger. The weather, though cold, decided to be lenient and what prevailed was a throughly English evening as the sun went down on a performance of the original, perhaps the best, of all the Carry On scripts Shakespeare ever wrote.

But tomorrow…

My neurologist just called. Canadian by birth but English by inclination he started the call over apologising for the intrusion on a Sunday. He wanted to confirm my treatment for MS from tomorrow, three days on a steroid drip. I have written about this before but I have lied. I have made merry on the chaos that half a gram of steroids a day creates but not the depression it imbues.

For tomorrow I will go a little mad and a lot dark. My now natural inclination for self hate, normally contained by my own situation and polite society, will be allowed more licence to fuck me over. As the drugs infuse and as I lose the abilities of reason and balance, I will take a good hard look at myself. And the steroidal version of me will weigh and judge and find me wanting.

I have a choice. Steroids are not compulsory. Other treatment regimes are available. But steroids have become my totem of choice. The damage they do both physically and spiritually are balanced against the work they do slapping my immune system so intent on killing me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. On balance my better, but shrinking self believes this to be something to endure. I run, a lot. I get to be a viable (if occasionally distant) father.

As time goes on however I wonder whether this is just another form of subtle self harm. No logic no reason just punishment so richly deserved for every crime and misdemeanour. I guess I will never know.

I don’t write this particular blog entry for comment. Please don’t. I do write it for the ‘record’ (the arrogance!) and as a marker. I get the comments about being a lucky man, I really do. But, like many people, MS or otherwise, I am worn by the niceties of life and ground down by absurdities of my situation.

Last night I was an ass. Tomorrow an arsehole. That seems about right.

Featured post

In Praise of Parkrun

I know this will be / is one of a million such articles that praises the wonders of parkrun. Its basic concept, a weekly timed 5k, free at the point of use, has been lauded by better people than me. Its basic ethos, “it’s a run not a race”, discussed and debated by many a bar room philosopher. Its impact on health endorsed by no less a person than the Chief Medical Officer (http://www.parkrun.org.uk/news/2016/03/30/chief-medical-officer-endorses-parkrun/).

However I still believe its greatest contribution is to civic society. The day after the referendum result came through we gathered at Cutteslowe and Sunnymead Park, Oxford. I have often bored people with my view that, as an atheist, parkrun is the nearest thing to my church. We gather every Saturday morning just before 9 and running has become a simple act of communion. It is where I feel closest to the world.

There was an unsuprisingly downbeat mood amongst the runners, the majority of whom I would guess voted for Remain. But there was a lack of bile and hatred too, which, on Twitter at least, seems to have become the central part of our body politic for a number of months. Our run celebrated a fun raising effort for dementia, applauded a woman who had volunteered to marshal parkruns twenty five times and clapped and lauded the final runner, number 200 who took over 50 minutes to run 5k but was treated no less important than the man who cross the line over half an hour before. Every runner achieved, every runner counted.

Parkrun may improve the health of the nation but more importantly reminds me, reminds us that civic society matters. We still have to live together.

And this (admittedly rather weak) reflection is not just a comment on where I live. I have been lucky enough to take part in parkruns from Newcastle to Sicily. The same sense of community exists at all, for all. Cameron’s Big Society is dead. Long live parkrun…


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The Trouble With York

There are ghosts in York.

It is difficult to turn a corner of the city centre and not sense lives past. It’s a city in which my own memories are there, “ghosts of girlfriends past” as somebody who knows me best recently said. It’s also the City that kicks off the UK Triathlon season.

Memories be damned. Ghosts are for the Bard. I come to tri.

I am a lucky man. I may have MS and a small(ish) tumour called Nigel caressing the nerve sheath of my spinal cord but I do have job flexibility. As such I can organise my schedule around my increasing need to wear out this bag of bones before my immune system teams up with Nigel (it’s gonna be spectacular folks…). So the meeting and talk at the University was set, advanced tickets and bike reservations for the train booked, value for money accommodation near Gallowgate sourced and secured.

After the Milton Keynes 10k at the beginning of March my training began to focus on York. I had booked for the Super Sprint as per last year so was basically going to my local sports centre and swimming a few lengths, jumping on a cycle machine then the running machine. Each discipline I was undertaking I was training at a length just beyond the York distances. Add some weight training, parkrun and a 12.5k a week all was on track to start my tri season without much fuss. After last year my greatest concern was whether I needed to pack suncream. Yes York 2015 meant sunburn FFS.

Sadly the best laid plans of mice and men…are still better organised than me. When my number and start time came through I realised that I had not left enough time to recover and get back to the station to get the train home. I had booked an advance ticket to keep the costs down and to guarantee a bike space. But my 2016 start was an hour later than 2015. There was little room for error.

The organisers were sympathetic as I threw myself on their mercy but numbers and times has been allocated. Did I rebook my train and piss away £100 or take the risk. Or was there another option. I mean I had always said this year I would move up from Super Sprint so why not now? Wasn’t that the reason I had started the half marathons to see whether I had the base stamina for the next tri step? Thankfully UK Triathlon could put me at the end of Sprint race starting 3 hours earlier. Even I couldn’t mess that up, could I?

So with my category and time changed I realised a big problem. Three weeks to go and I hadn’t actually trained for this class. No doubt I could achieve any of the distances in isolation but I had no idea whether together it would click. Worse still, since I was treating the super sprint as no more than a season warm up, I had done NO road work on the bike. The bike had been in the garage since October 2015.

I had recently attended a class at the Boswell Clinic. Useful people and what stuck was the basic logic behind training schedules for each discipline. Swim (intensity), bike (volume), run (frequency). On the bike I was looking red-faced. Worse still when I dusted the bike off I released the tires needed upgrading. York Tri bike route is 6 laps for the Sprint over uneven paving and a tight turn or two. The shop tires that came with my Triban looked as pathetic as my organisation skills had turned out to be.

So too late to change my training programme and new tires had to be sourced. Gators seemed the best bet and many thanks to Reg Taylor Cycles from the Peoples Republic of East Oxford for the help and advice on that. As for the training, although my work is flexible it isn’t optional. The best bet seemed to be more weight training. Both my consultants, physiotherapist and psychologist demand I do more about my weight (“you have virtually no adipose tissue, Mark”) so two weeks to go bulking up might, just might help.

Off I trundled to York, the Friday before the tri. As an inveterate parkrun tourist I thought I would cadge a slow 5k on the Saturday. Having done the York parkrun last year I opted for Harrogate this and had great fun tensing up when the train was late. A wonderfully friendly crowd at the run obviously, but for some reason my brain still hadn’t engaged that I was doing a tri the day after and I bombed round in a personal best of 20 minutes 40 seconds. Fuckwit.

The weather on the big day was cold. No sun burn this year. I got lost cycling from Gallowgate to the York Sport Village but what struck me as I arrived was just how busy it was. Which lead to the first issue. A lack of racking space for the bike.

I love racking up. There is, for me, a tremendous excitement at that point, a buzz, a shared expectation. Some of my happiest times (with my clothes on) have been racking up for a tri, with Barcelona last year being a particularly strong contender. But now I was desperately trying to find a space with the wind bringing down my body temperature at an alarming rate. No adipose tissue means no body insulation.

With time running out I placed the bike and went back out to get marked up for the swim. For those tri atheists out there this normally means some poor soul vandalising your skin (left upper arm, right lower leg) with a marker pen, writing your race number. Except this year York had teamed up with Sport Stiks, temporary stickers rather than ink. Sport Stiks are a little like those fake temporary tattoos your kids get. With one simple difference. They don’t fucking work.

Had no one thought that maybe one of us, perhaps two, might, just might not be utterly hairless? Nope. York Sport Village was full of the *coughs* hirsute, me include. I do wax by the way, just not in April. After a few attempts I borrowed a marker pen then self harmed as I am sure my shrink would misinterpret. I am currently inmate 348…

So as 348 I head for the pool. Interestingly enough what I first noticed was the numbers of people swimming breast stroke. It tends to be just me. I perked up at this point thinking I might not come dead last. Off I went passing a couple of people and being passed then out into the biting cold. And by God it was a shock.

Not as much as a shock as when I realised I couldn’t remember where I racked my bike. Seriously. I was cold, disoriented and swearing like a trooper. My transition time was being trashed by my own stupidity and my feet were getting cold. Finally finally finally there is the bike, my vest and my trainers. Not totally insane I had brought some gloves and a buff. Off I went helmet on and ready to rock and roll. The new bike flew compared to last year’s Dawes bone shaker and, having done the course last year albeit at the super sprint level, I knew what to expect. I passed more than passed me and I began to make up the time on my swimming (motto – float with a purpose).

But the cold. I have MS (I’m sure I have mentioned it…) so I often can’t feel my feet. That is an absence of feeling, the nerve ending not supplying the right info. At York though, at the end of the bike run, I couldn’t properly feel my feet because they were swollen numb with cold. I still had 5k to run.

For once my MS gave me an advantage. I run with limited information flowing back through my legs on a regular basis. So no real difference at York; go to it good Doctor and RUN. The couple of people who passed me on the bike I overtook by the end of the first lap. I passed many more who hadn’t paced themselves and were cramping up. I just sprinted to the finish line.

How did I do? Where did I come? 1 hour 14 mins 14 seconds, the 5k in 22 mins 10 seconds. Best of all 79th out of 275, top third. Not bad for my first full pool sprint.

I love York and the York Triathlon gives me a reason to come back. Whether my health continues to allow this is a moot point. I run, I tri because I can. If death wants me it’s going to have to run a little faster.

See you all in Ardingley in June. And don’t forget Barcelona…